Take A Load Off Annie

I’ve narrowed down the twelve step program that best suits my needs and that is Alcoholics Anonymous. Not that I have anything against OA, but there doesn’t seem to be the clarity I find in AA meetings. Tonight I discovered the difference when ‘How It Works’ was read. OA omits this portion and only reads the 12 steps. To me that feels like receiving directions for the last mile of a ten mile trip. AA details how recovered people moved from point A to Z having lived and not just read about or merely discussed a way of life.

Tuesday I met a potential sponsor for lunch. I described my inability to define why I got more from AA than OA and he offered a beautiful explanation, “Perhaps, the members of OA have not looked the demon that’s trying to kill them in the face and been scared shitless.” He’s right. I have been hospitalized many times due to alcohol and you would think that my last detox would have been enough of a persuasion to stop. But it wasn’t. Again he offered, “Perhaps, YOU haven’t truly looked in its face, yet?” I’m mildly annoyed that “yet” is a standard interjection from seasoned program people to arrest self righteous proclamations such as “I would never get that bad” or “I’m not like that person.” I know that I’m killing myself just the same with food, but I’ve never been in an ICU having OD’d on Twinkies..."yet."

Zen’s opening line after listening to my 25 year peripheral existence around recovery was, “Forget everything you’ve tried because obviously it hasn’t worked.” Listening to tonight’s reading of ‘How It Works’ one sentence stood out in reminding me of his comment, “Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.” Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I was reminded of a story describing a man treading water while holding onto a sack of stones. He started to sink and the simple solution was to let go of the sack, but he couldn’t and he drowned. Perhaps my way of thinking and continued bad habits are my sack. Do I want to sink while holding onto old ideas or swim toward clear waters of new beginnings? Tough call.

Another revelation he shared was the freedom of not having all the answers. My controlling nature demands answers. Letting go of that and admitting I don’t know sounds terribly vulnerable. Freedom doesn’t come to mind, but I’m not the one with over 30 years of sobriety.

Ironically he suggested we meet at a restaurant where I used to interview women on a first dates. Many would be relationships never made it out the door and for a long time I believed it was the place that had a bad mojo to it (couldn’t be my picker). When I met my wife I suggested we go there for dinner but it was closed and we ended up at the restaurant next door. Ten years later and we’re still hanging out only reinforces my bad mojo theory. Perhaps this interview will mark the end of that hellacious karmic run? Most “friends” have abandoned me in one way or another and I have never encountered anyone I could truly trust…”yet”