"Who will deliver me from this body of death?"

My latest blog brought into question “how do you define an eating disorder relapse?” Well, I have my answer. For the past two weeks I have not followed a food plan and almost immediately began to binge. Trips to the local convenience store have been convenient but also very hazardous to my health. My heart has been stuck in an atrial flutter going in and out of atrial-fib. This produces massive swelling which in turn inflames my neuropathy and I’m not able to walk without extreme pain. My cardiologist has prescribed additional meds. I asked him point blank if I lost 70 lbs. would my condition improve. He said no. The weight has no bearing on my electrical problems.

Two Christian acquaintances, a husband and wife, suggested my ailments were spiritual and I needed to repent and close open doorways. Recently he was told he needs a heart valve replacement. I wonder how much repentance and door closing is going on in that house? I am not using pain meds, alcohol or pot for pain management because of my addictive personality. My only solace is to eat. Food medicates and a sugar/carb buzz provides temporary relief but the down side is its short lived and exasperates my condition with additional weight gain.

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

My spiritual journey at one time was all consuming. That’s my personality I guess, I consume. My journey began and has returned within the rooms of twelve step groups. I have worked the twelve steps multiple times, completed the pinnacle fourth and fifth steps and yet still returned to alcohol, drugs, food and mood altering women. I was told that after these ‘steps of action’ I would know a new freedom and closeness with my Creator that I’ve never known. I wasn’t free of anything and the closeness never happened. It’s like preparing a valentine box at school and receiving no cards. The effort was there but the result was lacking and I’m sure the suggestions that I didn’t use the correct formula or have the right prayer language will be of no short supply.

I found myself in pursuit of a God that was promised to be my best friend. “Buddy Jesus” was my new passion and I pressed towards redemption through atonement with vigor. Maybe this was what the 12 steps were lacking? After 16 years within various denominations I found everything but Jesus. Further alienation from fellow recovery people and mass confusion and disillusionment were the door prize. Jesus saves but you have to have perfect credit. I found recovery people hate having Jesus thrust on them as ‘the only way” and Christians do not like tainted people, especially drug addicts and alcoholics. Overeaters are ok with Christians because they partake in God’s abundance every Sunday at the buffets.

The 12 step program is designed to work with whatever concept or belief of a High Power is for you. Christianity is not. By convincing myself that God would love me if I pushed the “good news” like a used car salesman, I would gain favor in His eyes even if people hated me. After all, that was the price of admission; the world hated Him so it would hate me. Their loss, my gain. I really believed I was doing the right thing but in reality I just pushed people further away. You want people to leave you alone? Start talking about Jesus. It will clear a room, I promise.

Perhaps God is just another barrier to keep people away? Somehow I think I’ve used arguments of theology and practice as a way to keep people within my church at arms length…control comes to mind. “Non-believers” as they’re lovingly referred to, were kept at a distance as I bombarded them with scripture to expose how shitty their life is without Jesus. If I can’t control people then they become a threat.

Now that I’ve determined that the problem is me, what am I going to do about this High Power that is reportedly my only hope towards recovery? Step two reads “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Step three suggests we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” The first three steps are all past tense actions describing how it worked for others. I feel like I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt. We must believe and turn our lives over. I’ve sat through hundreds of meetings and sermons and yet I’m worse now than ever.

Trapped in a body of death indeed.