Let's Begin Again

It has been over a year since my last post. Many things have changed. Looking over the religious content and links compiled on the profile I felt as if I had walked into the wrong house. I'm not that guy anymore. I deleted all previous links and photos.

I have my opinions regarding the hope and aspirations to pursue those institutions, but I am in a life and death struggle with an eating disorder and salvation is the least of my concerns. I found more questions than answers and in the end felt like I was a part of a pymrid scheme and I was far from the pinnacle. Perhaps I imagined that if I showed the right amount of faith and pious actions an invisible Force would relieve me of my obsessions but that’s not the case. I’m heavier now than I have ever been and the medical ramifications and bills as a result of my obesity are staggering. Religion did nothing for my addictions.

I have been hospitalized before due to alcoholic complications and quite frankly alcoholism is easier to deal with than an eating disorder. Both are a mere symptom of a much greater problem, but alcohol you can walk away from and not ingest. Food is survival. How do you moderate a substance that is specifically for sustenance but becomes an obsession of temporary euphoria followed by gut wrenching remorse? Will power suggestions is a an internal chuckle. I have tremendous will power and use it to satisfy my cravings by any means necessary. Addicts have a tremendous amount of will and the lack there of is not a consideration to remedying this addiction.

During lunch with a friend I confessed how I am starting to hide what I eat and how much. After the binge I do not throw away wrappers in our kitchen trash can for fear they’ll be discovered. Hiding them in cans or other containers already in the trash eliminates questions and accusations. Errands are run with convenient stores in mind to satisfy the daily cravings and plates and bowls used at night while alone are cleaned and returned to the cupboard without a trace of use. Empty containers too large are bagged and placed in the trunk of my car to dispose of later of thrown in teh garage underneath clutter. No different that covering up a murder scene and I guess that’s a pretty accurate analogy since I’m slowly killing myself. One would laugh at the thought of a murder victim willing helping its murderer but that seems to be my insanity. Upon hearing my brief confession my friend stated with astonishment, “You’re an addict!” I chuckled but it sure hits hard when you’re seen through someone else’s eyes.

People have refused to sit next to me on airplanes. I need to sit at a table instead of a booth in restaurants because I can’t fit. I’ve broken toilet seats at home, work and two at my sister’s house. One would think the embarrassment of such events would demand change, but I continue to eat. I have a beautiful family, a wife and two daughters that depend on me but it’s not enough. Why??!! What will it take? I had a friend in Memphis that was hospitalized due to alcoholism. Jim asked him while visiting if he’d had enough fun yet and if he was ready to work the program of AA. The poor soul shook his head while shuffling across the room pushing and IV and said, “Nope. I’m still having fun.” A week later he was dead. Am I going to be that guy? Will anything get through to me?

Last night my sister asked me about my edema and teh new dosage of insulin I was currently perscribed. I told her the two types I was on and the oral medication. She repeated the amount in disbelief and just shook her head. The stares of strangers are horrible, but the astonishment, disappointment and disgust of loved ones shatters something within.

Shame is a constant shadow and it whispers I’ll feel better if I have a something to eat. Reese’s is selling new King Sized Peanut Butter Eggs for Easter. You can guess how I know.