After a 45 minute wait at Red Lobster, we were seated. I always feel extremely anxious not knowing whether I we’ll get a table or a booth. And of course, it was the smallest booth available. I have trained myself to measure width from table to seat and I can tell instantly if an embarrassing situation will present itself for the amusement and whispers of my fellow diners. I attempted to try and slid into the seat next to my daughter. It was obvious by the way the hostesses stared at my gut which was overlapping on the table that this wouldn’t work. I tried to make the best of it. Have you ever had one of those times where you die a thousand deaths or at least wish you could melt into obscurity? I’ve had many. For someone who wants to blend, I get a lot of unwanted attention.
The waitress was nice and by the time she brought our drinks I was having difficulty breathing. The table was starting to cut into me. My wife has been through the drill before and got up immediately when I whispered, “This won’t work” and she was off to find our waitress. We had to move across the room with all eyes on us. How embarrassing this has got to be for my wife. My daughters did not understand why we had to move or why my mood changed. The rest of the dinner I ate without restraint and the relief of doing so did not come. Our Family Fun Night was marred so last night I made the decision to attend an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. The last time I ventured through those doors was in 2006. It was comforting to see some of the same faces greet me and I was secretly relieved that some were still fat. Horrible thought I know, but I hate the feeling that I have squandered time and I didn’t want to feel a failure or left behind. I could tell immediately that it was where I needed to be. Addictions are a progressive disease and I have definitely progressed.
I considered outpatient treatment with local 10 week intensives but the cost and the fact that no program was accepting new patients lead me to seek elsewhere. Psychologists were all female, very short in conversation and happy to refer me to someone else. I don't believe men are taken serious concerning eating disorders. They seem to be the odd man out since these types of disorders are associated with image. The hourly cost for all teh psychologists was outrageous. I was given names of support groups, but they primarily dealt with bulimia and anorexia as an “eating disorder” which I’m discovering are the poster children for eating disorders. Compulsive Overeating doesn’t have the same glamour or attention as those attempting to reach beauty through purging and starvation. I know I’m probably off base here, but it seems that they’re secretly admired for at least caring about how they look. At least they’re not fat. We McFatties are viewed as the ugly sister of eating disorders. One person said, “We don’t have any compulsive overeaters in our group but I guess you can come if you want to.” Thanks. To feel ostracized and judged as if I don’t receive that from the outside world already is just what I need.
Google eating disorder images and it’s obvious where the attention lies. You’ll see images of sorrowful looking females staring at a fat person in the mirror while in reality they are skeletons. The images of compulsive overeaters are shown with spaghetti hanging out of their mouths with sauce smeared from ear to ear. Or, a smiling attack of giant cheese burger with all the fixin's. Most photos of overweight people have the terms pathetic, fatties, and disgusting in the URL.
It’s funny to realize at the end of three days of email exchanges with support groups and numerous phone calls to hospitals and psychologists, nobody suggested OA. I believe because money can’t be made and they know it works without professional assistance. Listening to those within that meeting and hearing their recovery was truly inspiring, especially being able to see some I knew from 2006 and to see who they are now. The rooms of OA are a comfortable safe place to fall and bleed on the tables with my story.
Day One of abstinence is encouraging. I‘m seasoned and battle weary and know that the “Honeymoon Phase" falls under the same banner used for struggling times… “This Too Shall Pass”
3 comments:
I suffered for years, tottering on the edge of an eating disorder. Well, that's what I tell myself. The truth is, despite the fact that I never became deathly ill or looked like a Somalian refugee, I suffered with anorexia, tried bulimia multiple times and ended up nearly exercising myself into a coma. You're right. Anorexia is the glamorous cousin to overeating. But you're wrong, too. Anorexia isn't about the superficial. It's about control. I suspect so is overeating. It's two sides of the same coin. Sure, I told myself I was starving myself and subjecting my body to frenzied marathon workouts because I wanted to be thin. The truth was, though, that I felt like it was the one area I had control. I could prove how strong and in control I was. I was completely out of control. I was lucky. I got pregnant and my habits directly influenced the health of my baby. I had to stop in order to not suffer another devastating miscarriage. You're problem can't be solved so easily. Your children, while influenced and affected by your decisions won't die because of them. Have you ever noticed the types of people who suffer from eating disorders? People think we are weak, but in truth, many of us are strong, independent and deep-thinkers. We're not satisfied with surface answers. We internalize everything. We like control. It's interesting reading about this problem from a different perspective. I hope you find healing from your disorder like I did mine. I will tell you, I don't think eating disorders are all psychological. I think our non-food food plays a part. It's hard for the brain to know how much is enough when what we are consuming isn't giving it anything. Maybe what we eat affects the chemical signals. At least, I found that was true for me.
The one big difference I see between anorexia and over eating is when people see a paper thin woman they say that's a shame but when they see an obese person the word most often heard is "disgusting" and colorful expletives. In the last three weeks "fat ass" and "fat f*&k" have been the crowd favorites directed towards me.
I'm also an alcoholic and know the signs of addiction all too well. I have been transfering addictions for quite some time. When I drink I don't over eat when I don't drink then food is the drug of choice. For over twenty years I have tried to find the whys of the actions through twelve step programs, prayer, holy spirit anointing, therapy, etc. AA has been the most successful thing I've tried. It deals with alcohol as "a symptom of a much greater problem." The simple program of "clearing the wreckage of the past" and "not regreting that past nor wishing to shut the door on it" has lead many to happier lives. In twenty two years I wish I were one of them.
Currently my health problems are due to the eating and it has all my attention.
Your opinion on chemical signals falls in line with an old OA saying "carbs begat carbs" just as "phenomena of craving" is used to describe an acholics disease.
On another compulsive overeaters blog I found this interesting info. She found this info @ www.mirror-mirror.org/compulsive.htm
Compulsive overeating is characterized by uncontrollable eating and consequent weight gain. Compulsive overeaters use food as a way to cope with stress, emotional conflicts and daily problems. The food can block out feelings and emotions. Compulsive overeaters usually feel out of control and are aware their eating patterns are abnormal. Like bulimics, compulsive overeaters do recognize they have a problem.
Compulsive overeating usually starts in early childhood when eating patterns are formed. Most people who become compulsive eaters are people who never learned the proper way to deal with stressful situations and used food instead as a way of coping. Fat can also serve as a protective function for them, especially in people that have been victims of sexual abuse. They sometimes feel that being overweight will keep others at a distance and make them less attractive. Unlike anorexia and bulimia, there is a high proportion of male overeaters.
The more weight that is gained, the harder they try to diet and dieting is usually what leads to the next binge, which can be followed by feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame and failure. Dieting and bingeing can go on forever if the emotional reasons for the bingeing is not dealt with.
In today's society, compulsive overeating is not yet taken seriously enough. Instead of being treated for the serious problem they have, they are instead directed to diet centers and health spas. Like anorexia and bulimia, compulsive overeating is a serious problem and can result in death. With the proper treatment, which should include therapy, medical and nutritional counseling, it can be overcome.
Signs and Symptoms
*Binge eating
*Fear of not being able to stop eating voluntarily
*Depression
*Self-deprecating thoughts following binges
*Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight
*Going on many different diets
*Eating little in public, while maintaining a high weight
*Believing they will be a better person when thin
*Feelings about self based on weight
*Social and professional failures attributed to weight
*Feeling tormented by eating habits
*Weight is focus of life
The signs and symptoms of overeating are exactly the same ones I suffered from. The only difference being, I didn't weigh very much and my "binges" were eating a normal meal.
I'm sorry people are so cruel. You're right. When you suffer from eating too little people either commend you for having such great self-control and being slim (if you don't LOOK anorexic) or feel compassion if you do. It you're overweight people are cutting and cruel. Honestly, I was one of those people (though perhaps not as cruel.) I couldn't understand, when it was so easy for me to starve myself, why somebody would have a hard time losing weight. I fooled myself into thinking it was all about a lack of control and I prided myself on my "control." That is, until I realized I had very little control over my eating. It was all smokescreens and mirrors.
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