A Laugh A Minute

June 27th found me accepting a 4 month coin for sobriety. I’ve stayed off the juice but have been struggling to keep it all together in other areas. My nemesis, food, has exposed my powerlessness in taunting fashion. Since starting this journey toward recovery in a multitude of arenas I’ve only lost 15 lbs.; a little under 4 lbs. a month. My cardiologist mentioned that side effects of atrial-fib and atrial flutter are fluid retention and weight gain and I should expect both until the ablation surgery scheduled August 4th. Wonder if another side effect involves a craving for Chipotle Burritos?

Last week while awaiting an interview for an Angler’s Club, I stopped at Chipotle for lunch. My wife had the girls and I needed to eat so I justified a “one time” stop to celebrate my personal progress. My sponsor suggested that I should “seek hope” in something beyond my surgery, so I am stretching my boundaries and hopefully will be accepted to pursue a common passion with others. I find out July 13th if I’m accepted into the Hamilton County Angler’s Club. With a spring in my step I ordered my burrito with double carnita, the kid behind the counter had trouble wrapping the contents. After the second try to secure the burrito he said, “Oh, my God” then looked at me and started laughing. His eyes went up and down resting on my belly then he started laughing harder. I asked in a calm Zen like fashion, “What the fuck is your problem?” The girl at the cash register started to smile while watching him then her face went blank when I looked at her. I spoke with the manager and he assured me it was a miscommunication. I asked him, “If someone stares at you and laughs and doesn’t bother to explain, what would you assume?” He assured me he understood and gave me a gift card for a free burrito. Just what an over weight food addict needs, a free burrito. I walked out humiliated.

I tried to shake that incident off as best I could and made it through the Angler’s Club interview. Being introduced to other members around the lake, a gentleman made it a point to jump off a floating dock when it appeared I may step on. He made a big production by saying, “I’m getting off if he’s coming down!” Laughter followed and then I was asked what size shirt I wear, for club purposes only I’m sure. I replied, “4 X.” More laughter and comments like, “We’ve never had one of those.” Suddenly, standing by that beautiful lake, the middle of paradise turned into the middle of nowhere.

It has often been said that people with addictions are the last ones to know. It’s a nightmare to know what you are but can’t stop the train wreck. I believe addicts have a beautiful defense mechanism called denial. I deploy it on a daily basis. I have been trying not to focus on the reality of my weight, but the Universe seems to be sending messages in an alarmingly increasing fashion. I’m reminded of Chapter 6, page 82, in the Big Book which reads, “He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” My house is ruined and I can no longer afford to ignore it.

Just to make sure I got the point, that evening in front of a few hundred people along with my wife and children, I was called on stage at a carnival. The performer was lying on a bed of nails and wanted to find the largest individual and specified “preferable over 300 lbs.” A woman I ran into from a Sangha I attend started screaming, “Over here!” while pointing at me. Soon the whole crowd was pointing. For someone who wants to blend I am thrust into the spotlight frequently. I was called up and stood on him to the laughter and applause of the crowd and I remember thinking “I hope my gut doesn’t stick out of my shirt at this angle.”

I started my day being laughed at to the astonishment of one and ended the day with being the astonishment of hundreds. Being a freak show finale isn’t as glamorous as I had imagined as a kid. I know I’m eating my emotions and replacing one addiction or perhaps amplifying one addiction over others. There has got to be a “why” to all this. I just hope it doesn’t take more humiliating billboards for me to get the message.

I didn’t attend the Sangha gathering the following Tuesday. I had had enough of my size being a focal point for one week and I just didn’t want a cherished safe place to become another one to avoid.

Here's picture proof for shits & giggles.

Breaking Free not 'Breaking Bad'

Eating well has not been going well. I have avoided posts because of my naughtiness during Easter. Why do we celebrate everything with food? Especially unbelievably tasty treats. My daughters got four buckets worth from grandparents and us and the temptation is out of this world. Slowly but surely I have whittled away at the items they don’t like so my consumption will go unnoticed. I’m controlling some compulsions and becoming more active now that my heart's atrial-fib is under control, but I would be a lot further along the path if I were mindful of proper intake instead of eating what I wanted. Small steps. I’m headed in the right direction but my tendency to want to complete a 1000 mile journey by foot in one day sets myself up for failure. I am beginning to recognize the pot holes that line the streets of the bad neighborhood that is my head.

I have been compiling several dietary approaches and adapting those to meet my needs. I’m not sure one size fits all, but a conglomeration of different ideas can be beneficial. Strictly adhering to one person’s opinion can have horrible outcomes. Each person’s medical and anabolic makeup vary and I think your own body will tell you what works. I will watch my calorie intake to ensure that I burn more than what is consumed. That way I’ll lose instead if staying stagnant. If I don’t pay attention to that detail then I have a tendency to rationalize eating a double cheese burger & fries because I will exert myself by cutting the grass. I need structured accountability but I'm lazy when it comes to consistency. What a Catch-22.
Another area I’m incorporating is all Natural Foods. Free range or grass fed beef is slowly making its way into our menu plan and REAL milk will be there shortly as well. I’m amazed at the Biggest Loser’s recommendations for food and snacks that are nothing more than chemical processed molds. Most of it is some sort of corn base with artificial flavoring. When I eat these recommended chemical cesspools, my blood sugar becomes unstable. I don't know why, but it's a pattern. I learned from my podiatrist that a diabetic’s intestinal tract doesn’t retain vitamin B very well, so I was wondering what other nutrients my body isn’t receiving? Going natural will ensure a balanced blend and won't be a shock to the system. I don’t want one extreme or another, just a workable middle.

I was fitted for and received orthotics for my Plantar-Fasciitis. The inserts have been throwing my spine out of alignment or they may be aligning my spine as it should be. Time will tell. I feel better with the inserts than without and I was able to walk quite a bit yesterday without tremendous pain afterward. My heart is strong and steady now that I have the right cocktail of medicines. I feel this is the most positive direction I've experienced in a long time.

I’m really doing well with activities but I'm just not motivated to workout in a gym. I hate being indoors and especially when it seems like a rush to get in, jockey for locker space, work out among the masses, then wrestle to get back to my locker and fight to get out of the parking lot. It seems ass backwards to me. We have become so sedentary in society that we need a facility to promote and facilitate activity. I would rather walk the dog or work in the yard.

I have a golf outing May 15th with old high school buddies and they have all expressed disbelief at how big I’ve gotten teh last time we've gathered. I am hoping to have a few pounds shed by then, but they are also heavy drinkers. I’m walking into a potential hot spot on two fronts. I’ve been sober 50 days and I’m just now coming out of the fog. I am still in a vulnerable stage when around a bunch of good-time Charlies throwing back my favorite drink of the Philistines. Last night my wife closed down a bar where a guy she wants to make music with was playing. I guess that’s what musicians call it these days (Hardy-har). His band apparently has opened up for U2, has his own recording studio and has had gastric bypass surgery with the result of significant weight loss. He embodies everything she’s interested in and everything I'm not. I can no longer do the bar thing, I will not have the surgery to lose weight and I don’t have a recording studio or have any desire to play in a bar. They text each other on a regular basis and I'm told friends do that, even if they're married. This morning while lying in bed she stated that she has never laughed as hard as she did last night. When I see her she is always in the grips of frustration at the kids, me or about something she’s lost or forgot to do. When she’s away from us it’s the best time EVER. Time will tell. I want to believe that all my concerns are just noise from that bad tenant upstairs again.

I’m not worried about her reading this if anyone is concerned. I shared that I was blogging my confessions of Alcoholism and Compulsive Overeating and not much came of it. I want us to have an understanding and open communication about it so I mentioned it, three times. Then, I sent her the link for the second time and she said, “I read through all your posts.” And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. She expressed some disbelief at my actions but has never mentioned it again. FB events, where local bands are playing, or where she’s meeting her friends for drinks are always front and center of the conversation in our passing. Hopefully I can navigate through this bad neighborhood of thought and just remain focused on what I need to do. “Resentment is the number one offender” I’ve been reading in the Big Book how to avoid just this kind of stinkin' thinkin'. So if I vent them here, it won’t be so bad among the living.

I really feel I’m breaking free. I feel strong and the baggage is continuing to drop on a daily basis. For today, I’m living in acceptance and that I’m promised is the key to all my problems.