Take A Load Off Annie

I’ve narrowed down the twelve step program that best suits my needs and that is Alcoholics Anonymous. Not that I have anything against OA, but there doesn’t seem to be the clarity I find in AA meetings. Tonight I discovered the difference when ‘How It Works’ was read. OA omits this portion and only reads the 12 steps. To me that feels like receiving directions for the last mile of a ten mile trip. AA details how recovered people moved from point A to Z having lived and not just read about or merely discussed a way of life.

Tuesday I met a potential sponsor for lunch. I described my inability to define why I got more from AA than OA and he offered a beautiful explanation, “Perhaps, the members of OA have not looked the demon that’s trying to kill them in the face and been scared shitless.” He’s right. I have been hospitalized many times due to alcohol and you would think that my last detox would have been enough of a persuasion to stop. But it wasn’t. Again he offered, “Perhaps, YOU haven’t truly looked in its face, yet?” I’m mildly annoyed that “yet” is a standard interjection from seasoned program people to arrest self righteous proclamations such as “I would never get that bad” or “I’m not like that person.” I know that I’m killing myself just the same with food, but I’ve never been in an ICU having OD’d on Twinkies..."yet."

Zen’s opening line after listening to my 25 year peripheral existence around recovery was, “Forget everything you’ve tried because obviously it hasn’t worked.” Listening to tonight’s reading of ‘How It Works’ one sentence stood out in reminding me of his comment, “Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.” Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I was reminded of a story describing a man treading water while holding onto a sack of stones. He started to sink and the simple solution was to let go of the sack, but he couldn’t and he drowned. Perhaps my way of thinking and continued bad habits are my sack. Do I want to sink while holding onto old ideas or swim toward clear waters of new beginnings? Tough call.

Another revelation he shared was the freedom of not having all the answers. My controlling nature demands answers. Letting go of that and admitting I don’t know sounds terribly vulnerable. Freedom doesn’t come to mind, but I’m not the one with over 30 years of sobriety.

Ironically he suggested we meet at a restaurant where I used to interview women on a first dates. Many would be relationships never made it out the door and for a long time I believed it was the place that had a bad mojo to it (couldn’t be my picker). When I met my wife I suggested we go there for dinner but it was closed and we ended up at the restaurant next door. Ten years later and we’re still hanging out only reinforces my bad mojo theory. Perhaps this interview will mark the end of that hellacious karmic run? Most “friends” have abandoned me in one way or another and I have never encountered anyone I could truly trust…”yet”

Changes

There are days when my nerve damage allows me to walk with minimal frustrations. On these rare occasions I usually take advantage by walking the community in which I work. One day I happened upon two individuals sipping coffee and enjoying the sunshine. You could tell by their clothing that they were passing through since everyone around them looked like an L.L. Bean catalog. I don't know why but my mind drifted back to simpler times when I enjoyed being. I had casualness about the day and thought anything could happen and it usually did. My clothing was simple, my meals were simple, and my desires were simple. Funny how torn jeans can remind you when a cup of coffee and a camel cigarette would start out the day quite nicely. Success is determined by our income and soon keeping up with the Jones's chokes out spontaneity like weeds overcoming a garden. When we determine that enough is enough the Universe seems to co-conspire with Fate and change happens. How that change affects us is contingent upon whether we look at it as opportunity or further disappointment.

I know change has occurred at the molecular level because I walked through Half Price Books and left empty handed. I don't believe I have ever visited a book store without walking out with hope in hand just knowing that the next paragraph I read will change my life. The realization that all the surrounding books were just other people's opinions struck me silly. Apparently my subconscious had already determined this because before I knew it I was musing it would be a long time before I purchased another book.

The majority of my life's changes have been surprises that were actually premeditated actions carried out while in denial. I'm not sure how many times I swore I would never do, say, or become a particular mold only to end up knee deep in it. This is a curious spot for me. I have always relentlessly pursued any and all spiritual and paranormal matters with a vigor and determination. Now I am more than happy to just experience whatever Providence assigns to my path. I look forward to investigating with an openness of possibilities instead of predetermined dogma in my arsenal. The simple act of being present in your own life really does allow appreciation for the small, overlooked happenings. A child's drawing, a dog's happy dance, or a wave from a neighbor can compliment a day. I think of times when I asked my daughters to play quietly while I read a book on how to experience happiness. If I would have just been present in my daughter's presence I would have heard the stories and shared in their laughter. For so long I looked only to the end result that I deemed appropriate instead of allowing what is and what can be to unfold on its own.

Many moons ago during a Dharma discussion I made the comment that I continued to build shelves in my garage for boxes containing contents that I hadn't seen in years. The discussion was centered on our Western culture and consumerism. I thought it curious that I maintained these possessions but was unwilling to let go. I was thinking of that discussion when for the first time yesterday I exited my car without reaching for several books, pamphlets, or documents that I was sure would shed a light on the How's and Why's of this life. I stepped from the car free and light and liked the feel.

It reminds me of a story an old man in Memphis told me. He asked if it made sense for a drowning man to cling to a sack full of rocks. I responded no. He pressed further, "Even if he thought they were the most important items in the world?" Envisioning the silliness of losing a life over possessions I still responded no. He sat back smiling and stated, "All he has to do is let go."