“Self Seeking Will Slip Away”

I attend an AA meeting famous for the soup it serves. The regulars take turns providing culinary delights and the saying “too much is plenty” always applies. For those who don’t like soup that early in the morning there’s a box of donuts available. It’s ironic to attend one twelve step group only to trigger the overeating compulsion focus of another twelve step group. The people are dynamic and the laughter contagious. I know that’s what keeps me coming back. I’ve listened to their stories and some seem truly horrific and impossible to live with, yet there is joy and freedom that only comes from those who are truly free. Who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with people such as this? In a nut shell, I want what they have.

“Survey Says!”

The meeting format for the Soup Group is to read a question, the whole room offers an opinion as to what the correct answer might be and at the end the answer is read aloud from the Big Book. One particular meeting stands out and the question posed was “What is the foundation stone of our recovery?” Almost everybody answered “honesty” and told of their attempts to be honest with themselves and others. “If we are not honest we can’t stay sober” many said. Some confessed they spent thousands of dollars on therapy only to find recovery when they got honest. A few contributed a recovery foundation consisting of ‘going to meetings’ and ‘taking care of themselves.’ The answer was read and a room full of wisdom having some in attendance with over thirty years sobriety got it wrong. The Big Book answer was, “Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.” There was a collective moan as it was read followed by laughter. Service to others never even showed up on our radar.

It’s All About Moi

Considering this, I see a huge divide with today’s current focus on self and the yesteryear’s belief held by the original founders. “ME” is the new island unto us. I have heard so many repeat, “This is a selfish program” and I couldn’t disagree more. Many such as me have picked up on this “false teaching” early in recovery and run with it. Alcoholics and addicts are selfish by nature so any encouragement to continue in that behavior will be adhered to. People have boasted of avoiding family responsibilities or refusing certain work schedules in order to attend meetings. Shitty behavior wrapped in noble intent. Broken families, lost jobs and the inevitable relapse are usually the aftermath of, “I’m doing this for ME” mentality. I speak from experience not condemnation having several relapses in 24 years. Nowhere in the Big Book does it say anything about selfishness being a character trait of recovery. One of the founders of AA made it a point to share, “Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.” Who thinks this way in today’s society!? I’m sure if modern therapy indoctrinations were available his attitude would have been, “I pray for myself and in so doing obtain my own happiness and then, and only then, can I be of benefit to others if it benefits me as well” The humble, selfless efforts of a hundred or so recovered alcoholics in the 1930’s could not have made a global impact if their teaching consisted of “Self Fulfillment” rather than “Selfless Acts”.

“It’s Déjà Vu All Over Again”

“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-that One is God. May you find Him now!”

“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” Great. Here we go again. I already mentioned I want what they have and I’m pretty sure I’ve been “properly horrified” by my disease to be willing to go to any lengths, but now once again God has the corner on this happiness as well? I tried that route and was as willing as any. I’m reminded or Woody Allen trying to convince a priest he wanted to be Catholic saying, “I’ll dye Eater eggs. Whatever it takes!” I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous about the spiritual aspect having experienced the left foot of fellowship. And I'm not sure about what I can't see. As C.S. Lewis said, “When people say they’re searching for God it’s like the mice saying they are hoping to find the cat.” I’d rather keep my distance and hope for a letter to be delivered detailing the missing ingredients that seem to have eluded my being successful in recovery. But, I have a feeling a portion of the missing ingredients would be trust. That would cover the tangible and the Invisible. Flipping through the pages of the Big Book my eyes settled on this:

“Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

My thought process has been if perfection is not the end result then it’s not worth doing. I was told I had to be perfected in Christ which always seemed to be a failed voyage before leaving port. Contemplating on this it’s no wonder my sponsor said, “Forget everything you’ve done up to this point, obviously it hasn’t worked.” The advice from the pages continues.

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

Perhaps if Christianity took this approach it would have been more attractive to me? Demanding one believe, repent and “shut the door on the past” all within a horribly urgent five minute conversation seems an impetuous act. Perhaps this “birthing process” of the new man does come slowly to some?

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.” I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong regarding these matters if I can laugh like those sharing their joy over a bowl of soup.

Free Lunch Tomorrow

I started becoming truthful with others about where I’m at physically, mentally and emotionally. Actually I only told my wife and best friend. Everyone I know believes I have a weight issue. I do, but it’s “a symptom of a much greater problem.” This was never more evident than when I overheard friends I hadn’t seen in twenty years talking about how huge I had become. Talk about an awkward silence when they realized I was standing there. Even my doctor believes, “There’s no other hope for someone like you but lap band surgery.” “Someone like me” I have been officially categorized. That still wouldn’t address why I binge eat and I doubt it would limit the amount I consume. I have met two people that had gastric bypass surgery and they are still obese after a couple of years. One almost died of complications. They never knew it wouldn’t take away the obsession with food.

In the past I used my alcoholism as an excuse to hide behind. If you admit you have a disease and ask for help, people will rally around you. You can manipulate that to your advantage by gaining sympathy instead of condemnation. All is done to relieve one of the pressures to do something NOW. If I relapse it’s not my fault, I have a disease that’s ‘cunning, baffling and powerful.’ People love to see effort and despise apathy. They will stay beside you until they realization that you really don’t care to change. Then your temporary reprieve is suspended and it’s time to move on.

A coach once told me that making a come-back is my biggest thing. I always counted on tomorrows. Having coasted through everything from school, sports, relationships and work only to excel when needed, the fire and drive of consistency has never been there. Once I fought for a starting position with blood, sweat and tears only to move to another state after my dad was transferred. I had won the position but never reaped the rewards. I never fought like that with such drive and determination again. Perhaps that explains the internal inability to care much about anything. I don’t know. That seems too packaged. I want to care and I want that drive but it seems too have evaporated from me entirely.

I recall while in the Marines I had difficulty with a run, and my sergeant yelled a hypothetical motivation that my platoon was under fire and was in need my .50 cal or they would all die. I looked up from my gasps and yelled, “Fuck them!” He was clearly stunned and didn’t speak anymore as we caught up to the rest. I guess he concluded that if I didn’t care then he would do the caring for me. My transfer to another platoon soon followed. Again, people love to see effort and despise apathy. Perhaps that has something to do with it? I feel like it’s a good surface scratcher but something runs deeper. The question now is do I want to know?

During a recent visit to my diabetes doctor, I asked point blank how much longer I can continue with uncontrolled blood sugars before it starts affecting me (as if it hasn’t already with neuropathy in my legs and feet). Again, it would seem I was asking to stage a big come-back. The comment was IF you can get this under control you SHOULD be ok. There’s that hope of tomorrow that I SHOULD be able to... I have attempted for twelve years to get diabetes under control and I’m still not able to. The doctor and nutritionist were not sure why I was experiencing major edema and a host of other ailments and I finally told them the truth, I’m a compulsive overeater and I binge regularly. Instantly I hoped that this wouldn’t be another reprieve seeking stunt as I did with alcoholism in college and in the work place.

I have been giving the doctor and nutritionist insulin and the food amounts consumed daily that I planned on implementing the following day. I was planning for a tomorrow that never comes. The doctor semi-yelled, “This is your tomorrow!” Every time I had a doctor’s visit I would focus on the seriousness of the disease and pledge to begin tomorrow right after I ate what I wanted on the way home that day. I need to wake up. This is insanity at its best. Thankfully they understood my deception and denial then adjusted my medications having finally been given the truth. I could tell that they had been here many times with others. The exchanged glance lead me to conclude that many “like me” never see that tomorrow. They suggested a psychologist. That may help determine why the necessity of ‘right living’ that would determine life or death seems to be wishful thinking that denial shoves in a closet.

When I was young I made fun of fat people. One kid in particular cried over my harassing and said, “There’s something wrong with my metabolism!” and I said, “Yeah, and there’s something wrong with that Twinkie you’re putting in your mouth too.” At the time I would eat a whole box of Twinkies behind the garage of my childhood home to escape the chaos of screaming in the house. My weight didn’t show due to sports activities. Now I’m on the receiving end of such comments and the most painful event was when a woman refused to sit next to me on an airplane. She made a spectacle and the stewardess tried to guide her quietly to another seat. She said loud enough for everyone to hear, “They shouldn’t make you sit next to people like that.” I did nothing. What could I say? Had I not directed that venom towards others in the past? I had officially been exposed to having crossed the fence and become one of “those” people.

Karma’s a bitch.

Have a seat...or two.

After a 45 minute wait at Red Lobster, we were seated. I always feel extremely anxious not knowing whether I we’ll get a table or a booth. And of course, it was the smallest booth available. I have trained myself to measure width from table to seat and I can tell instantly if an embarrassing situation will present itself for the amusement and whispers of my fellow diners. I attempted to try and slid into the seat next to my daughter. It was obvious by the way the hostesses stared at my gut which was overlapping on the table that this wouldn’t work. I tried to make the best of it. Have you ever had one of those times where you die a thousand deaths or at least wish you could melt into obscurity? I’ve had many. For someone who wants to blend, I get a lot of unwanted attention.

The waitress was nice and by the time she brought our drinks I was having difficulty breathing. The table was starting to cut into me. My wife has been through the drill before and got up immediately when I whispered, “This won’t work” and she was off to find our waitress. We had to move across the room with all eyes on us. How embarrassing this has got to be for my wife. My daughters did not understand why we had to move or why my mood changed. The rest of the dinner I ate without restraint and the relief of doing so did not come. Our Family Fun Night was marred so last night I made the decision to attend an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. The last time I ventured through those doors was in 2006. It was comforting to see some of the same faces greet me and I was secretly relieved that some were still fat. Horrible thought I know, but I hate the feeling that I have squandered time and I didn’t want to feel a failure or left behind. I could tell immediately that it was where I needed to be. Addictions are a progressive disease and I have definitely progressed.

I considered outpatient treatment with local 10 week intensives but the cost and the fact that no program was accepting new patients lead me to seek elsewhere. Psychologists were all female, very short in conversation and happy to refer me to someone else. I don't believe men are taken serious concerning eating disorders. They seem to be the odd man out since these types of disorders are associated with image. The hourly cost for all teh psychologists was outrageous. I was given names of support groups, but they primarily dealt with bulimia and anorexia as an “eating disorder” which I’m discovering are the poster children for eating disorders. Compulsive Overeating doesn’t have the same glamour or attention as those attempting to reach beauty through purging and starvation. I know I’m probably off base here, but it seems that they’re secretly admired for at least caring about how they look. At least they’re not fat. We McFatties are viewed as the ugly sister of eating disorders. One person said, “We don’t have any compulsive overeaters in our group but I guess you can come if you want to.” Thanks. To feel ostracized and judged as if I don’t receive that from the outside world already is just what I need.

Google eating disorder images and it’s obvious where the attention lies. You’ll see images of sorrowful looking females staring at a fat person in the mirror while in reality they are skeletons. The images of compulsive overeaters are shown with spaghetti hanging out of their mouths with sauce smeared from ear to ear. Or, a smiling attack of giant cheese burger with all the fixin's. Most photos of overweight people have the terms pathetic, fatties, and disgusting in the URL.

It’s funny to realize at the end of three days of email exchanges with support groups and numerous phone calls to hospitals and psychologists, nobody suggested OA. I believe because money can’t be made and they know it works without professional assistance. Listening to those within that meeting and hearing their recovery was truly inspiring, especially being able to see some I knew from 2006 and to see who they are now. The rooms of OA are a comfortable safe place to fall and bleed on the tables with my story.

Day One of abstinence is encouraging. I‘m seasoned and battle weary and know that the “Honeymoon Phase" falls under the same banner used for struggling times… “This Too Shall Pass”

Let's Begin Again

It has been over a year since my last post. Many things have changed. Looking over the religious content and links compiled on the profile I felt as if I had walked into the wrong house. I'm not that guy anymore. I deleted all previous links and photos.

I have my opinions regarding the hope and aspirations to pursue those institutions, but I am in a life and death struggle with an eating disorder and salvation is the least of my concerns. I found more questions than answers and in the end felt like I was a part of a pymrid scheme and I was far from the pinnacle. Perhaps I imagined that if I showed the right amount of faith and pious actions an invisible Force would relieve me of my obsessions but that’s not the case. I’m heavier now than I have ever been and the medical ramifications and bills as a result of my obesity are staggering. Religion did nothing for my addictions.

I have been hospitalized before due to alcoholic complications and quite frankly alcoholism is easier to deal with than an eating disorder. Both are a mere symptom of a much greater problem, but alcohol you can walk away from and not ingest. Food is survival. How do you moderate a substance that is specifically for sustenance but becomes an obsession of temporary euphoria followed by gut wrenching remorse? Will power suggestions is a an internal chuckle. I have tremendous will power and use it to satisfy my cravings by any means necessary. Addicts have a tremendous amount of will and the lack there of is not a consideration to remedying this addiction.

During lunch with a friend I confessed how I am starting to hide what I eat and how much. After the binge I do not throw away wrappers in our kitchen trash can for fear they’ll be discovered. Hiding them in cans or other containers already in the trash eliminates questions and accusations. Errands are run with convenient stores in mind to satisfy the daily cravings and plates and bowls used at night while alone are cleaned and returned to the cupboard without a trace of use. Empty containers too large are bagged and placed in the trunk of my car to dispose of later of thrown in teh garage underneath clutter. No different that covering up a murder scene and I guess that’s a pretty accurate analogy since I’m slowly killing myself. One would laugh at the thought of a murder victim willing helping its murderer but that seems to be my insanity. Upon hearing my brief confession my friend stated with astonishment, “You’re an addict!” I chuckled but it sure hits hard when you’re seen through someone else’s eyes.

People have refused to sit next to me on airplanes. I need to sit at a table instead of a booth in restaurants because I can’t fit. I’ve broken toilet seats at home, work and two at my sister’s house. One would think the embarrassment of such events would demand change, but I continue to eat. I have a beautiful family, a wife and two daughters that depend on me but it’s not enough. Why??!! What will it take? I had a friend in Memphis that was hospitalized due to alcoholism. Jim asked him while visiting if he’d had enough fun yet and if he was ready to work the program of AA. The poor soul shook his head while shuffling across the room pushing and IV and said, “Nope. I’m still having fun.” A week later he was dead. Am I going to be that guy? Will anything get through to me?

Last night my sister asked me about my edema and teh new dosage of insulin I was currently perscribed. I told her the two types I was on and the oral medication. She repeated the amount in disbelief and just shook her head. The stares of strangers are horrible, but the astonishment, disappointment and disgust of loved ones shatters something within.

Shame is a constant shadow and it whispers I’ll feel better if I have a something to eat. Reese’s is selling new King Sized Peanut Butter Eggs for Easter. You can guess how I know.