The Lone Fibulator

Many are aware of the issues I've had recently with my heart. I have been diagnosed as a lone fibulator. There is nothing organically wrong with my heart; I have issues with the electrical impulses that transfer from the top chambers of my heart to the bottom chambers. If the atrial fibrillation continues I will be referred to an electrophysiologist. Perhaps this explains why I haven't been able to wear a watch since I was little because the battery would die within days of putting it on? My fellow coworkers thought the difficulty for the doctor would be finding my heart; compassionate people that they are.

I add this latest episode to the laundry list of what I term as 'Lofty Problems.' I'm still on the right side of the grass and I have many surrounding me who love and appreciate me. A man is rich indeed who is favored with these types of affections. There are those less fortunate. But the spring in my step has sprung as of late and I find myself drifting. The last seven years have been an exhaustive upheaval regarding physical challenges mixed with spiritual conundrums. I attempted on several occasions to create a paradigm shift regarding attitude, but my efforts have left me feeling as if I'm performing a hard tango along the San Andreas Fault. Frustration is creeping in and I can feel those old familiar trimmers awakening that restless, irritable, and discontented side of my winsome personality.

Early Saturday morning found me lying in the street after my newly adopted dog and I had a 'failure to communicate' regarding which direction we were going. He suffered a dislocated toe and hair line fracture and I became hobbled after my knees took the full brunt of impact upon the pavement. I have a knack of entertaining the damndest thoughts at the most inopportune times and I did not disappoint myself while looking at the underside of a parked car. Unable to move because of the pain and wondering if Mulder had made it to Oklahoma by then, I thought of a quarterback I had a Hallmark moment with some twenty years ago. I was playing defensive tackle and had broken through the line and was presented with a gift by the football gods when the quarterback looking to pass was unaware of the momentum I was building on his blind side. He never saw me coming. It was a perfect sack and while we were on the ground he started to sob. I felt enraptured and began laughing at him. I couldn't resist a King Kong impersonation while standing over him. It took a long time for him to regain himself. I capitalized on moments of weakness and delighted in opportunities of destruction. Later as the result of such reckless physical abandon, I shrugged off the nose operation from too many helmet hits and viewed the career ending shoulder injury from football and the Marines as a glitch on the radar. Nothing would slow me down. I never suffered the misfortunes that plagued mere mortals. The other side of the fence awaited and I stumbled across it unaware.

Finally able to muster the strength to stand up I saw Mulder across the street eyeing me accusatorily. I glanced around not for help, but to make sure that no one witnessed my embarrassing debacle. I was still puzzled as to why the whimpering quarterback came to mind? For a brief moment I wondered if this was what he had felt like that Saturday afternoon so long ago? Mulder and I took a long while to limp back home able to move only a few feet at a time.

Fast forward to this morning, I had difficulty standing upon waking. I had fallen in 2001 and injured my back. It was discovered during surgery that I had a calcified disk that had broken in three places and nearly severed my nerve. The fall was a blessing it seemed. Had I not fallen I could have been paralyzed. I was told I would not walk right, but I beat the odds there as well. Sometimes with great pain but I can still walk a straight line with my shoulders squared. Today I have no feeling from my belt to my shoulder blades or across the top of my right leg. All this accompanied by being diagnosed with diabetes in 1998 has given me more than a bushel and a peck of difficulties. Having my mobility limited this morning brought to mind the physical therapy where I learned to walk again. I suddenly felt very tired and my motivation to seize the day wavered. I contemplated making a guest list for my pity party but my daughters woke up and hugged my heart with their cheerful 'good mornings!' They did not obtain their morning enthusiasm from Rosie or me.

Reminding myself that there are no cosmic accidents, I wondered what lessons I am to glean from all this? Memories slowly drifted down and eddied in a pool of contention. Before I was 30 I was ten foot tall and bullet proof, now at age 39 if I were a horse they would have shot me a long time ago. Adventures were around every corner and every day was a party and every night a celebration. Now my ego ambitions are writing checks that my bruised and broken behind can't cash. In Buddhism there is a belief that we experience through karma the suffering of others in order to have empathy for them. Still mulling over the odd timing of the quarterback image, I'm starting to believe that I have been on an Ebenezer Scrooge educational process compliments of the Spirit. A close friend suggested that I am experiencing this to understand a life lesson on humility and compassion. He went further by emphasizing that the only separation we have from yesterday, today, and tomorrow is sleep. We agree that today is Wednesday and that yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Thursday, but actually the world does not stop when we pause for sleep, only our perception does. I know it's out there, but things like this usually resonate with me. The last few years seems like one long pause for me building resentment and anxt. His words were encouraging and I am attempting gratitude for the life lessons, but I actually want to extend a middle finger to the Universe while screaming, "Get some!"

Character assassinations have always been a favorite past time within my family. We would verbally assault one another exposing any kink in the armor that often led to tears because just like humor, a little truth mixed with sarcasm can penetrate the most heavily fortified among us. Looking back on the list of the verbally abused, I am struck by an overwhelming revelation that I am them. My life hedonism has left me over weight, physically impaired, a recovering alcoholic, and dependant on a Power greater than myself which are all characteristics and beliefs that I had made fun of in the past and considered lacking in will and testicular fortitude. One childhood memory is of a boy who said he was fat because of he had a problem with his metabolism and I countered that there was a problem with the Twinkie he was putting in his mouth. I now am over weight and receive ridicule and looks on airplanes because of the real estate I now take up. Technicians under me who complained of back aches would receive a chastisement that my stomach hurt every time I heard them whine of discomfort. Ask for no quarters and none shall be given. Now, I can barely walk to the car in the morning and am no longer able to work in the field, reduced to sitting behind a desk shining a seat with my ass. Religious people annoyed me with their superior piousness and God always made me nervous when you got him indoors. Now, I have a faith that finds me on my knees in the morning and at night. I no longer apologize for dependency upon God or the Force so lovingly referred to by my Star Wars cronies.

Accidents are plans other people make and fail to tell you about them. Well, there are no accidents in the spiritual realm and I have a deep suspicion that all this was set in motion with a singleness of purpose to strip me of arrogance so I could clearly understand the suffering of others. Meher Baba wrote, "If in the entire span of its life a fish has not come out of the water even once, it has no chance of appreciating the value of water. From its birth till its death it has lived only in water, and it is not in a position to understand what water really means to its being. But if it is taken out of water even for a moment, it longs for water and becomes qualified by that experience to appreciate the importance of water." My brokenness has become my catalyst towards kindness, consideration, and tolerance. I never intended to write such a lengthy piece. I only wanted to write about my heart. Perhaps I did?