A Laugh A Minute

June 27th found me accepting a 4 month coin for sobriety. I’ve stayed off the juice but have been struggling to keep it all together in other areas. My nemesis, food, has exposed my powerlessness in taunting fashion. Since starting this journey toward recovery in a multitude of arenas I’ve only lost 15 lbs.; a little under 4 lbs. a month. My cardiologist mentioned that side effects of atrial-fib and atrial flutter are fluid retention and weight gain and I should expect both until the ablation surgery scheduled August 4th. Wonder if another side effect involves a craving for Chipotle Burritos?

Last week while awaiting an interview for an Angler’s Club, I stopped at Chipotle for lunch. My wife had the girls and I needed to eat so I justified a “one time” stop to celebrate my personal progress. My sponsor suggested that I should “seek hope” in something beyond my surgery, so I am stretching my boundaries and hopefully will be accepted to pursue a common passion with others. I find out July 13th if I’m accepted into the Hamilton County Angler’s Club. With a spring in my step I ordered my burrito with double carnita, the kid behind the counter had trouble wrapping the contents. After the second try to secure the burrito he said, “Oh, my God” then looked at me and started laughing. His eyes went up and down resting on my belly then he started laughing harder. I asked in a calm Zen like fashion, “What the fuck is your problem?” The girl at the cash register started to smile while watching him then her face went blank when I looked at her. I spoke with the manager and he assured me it was a miscommunication. I asked him, “If someone stares at you and laughs and doesn’t bother to explain, what would you assume?” He assured me he understood and gave me a gift card for a free burrito. Just what an over weight food addict needs, a free burrito. I walked out humiliated.

I tried to shake that incident off as best I could and made it through the Angler’s Club interview. Being introduced to other members around the lake, a gentleman made it a point to jump off a floating dock when it appeared I may step on. He made a big production by saying, “I’m getting off if he’s coming down!” Laughter followed and then I was asked what size shirt I wear, for club purposes only I’m sure. I replied, “4 X.” More laughter and comments like, “We’ve never had one of those.” Suddenly, standing by that beautiful lake, the middle of paradise turned into the middle of nowhere.

It has often been said that people with addictions are the last ones to know. It’s a nightmare to know what you are but can’t stop the train wreck. I believe addicts have a beautiful defense mechanism called denial. I deploy it on a daily basis. I have been trying not to focus on the reality of my weight, but the Universe seems to be sending messages in an alarmingly increasing fashion. I’m reminded of Chapter 6, page 82, in the Big Book which reads, “He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” My house is ruined and I can no longer afford to ignore it.

Just to make sure I got the point, that evening in front of a few hundred people along with my wife and children, I was called on stage at a carnival. The performer was lying on a bed of nails and wanted to find the largest individual and specified “preferable over 300 lbs.” A woman I ran into from a Sangha I attend started screaming, “Over here!” while pointing at me. Soon the whole crowd was pointing. For someone who wants to blend I am thrust into the spotlight frequently. I was called up and stood on him to the laughter and applause of the crowd and I remember thinking “I hope my gut doesn’t stick out of my shirt at this angle.”

I started my day being laughed at to the astonishment of one and ended the day with being the astonishment of hundreds. Being a freak show finale isn’t as glamorous as I had imagined as a kid. I know I’m eating my emotions and replacing one addiction or perhaps amplifying one addiction over others. There has got to be a “why” to all this. I just hope it doesn’t take more humiliating billboards for me to get the message.

I didn’t attend the Sangha gathering the following Tuesday. I had had enough of my size being a focal point for one week and I just didn’t want a cherished safe place to become another one to avoid.

Here's picture proof for shits & giggles.